Culture Isn’t What You Say, It’s What You Tolerate

Bill came to me one day looking for advice on a situation he was having with one of his employees.

“She’s my top performer,” he said. “I don’t want to lose her, but her behavior is…not great.”

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I asked him what “not great” meant.

“She snaps at people. She doesn’t share information. She’s just not a team player.”

I asked if this was new behavior or if it had always been the case.

He said it had always been the case. He thought it was just who she was and he could work with it. But now that his team was growing, it was becoming more and more evident that this was going to be a problem.

It’s not uncommon for leaders to protect their top performers and to accept their behavior for what it is. However, while this behavior is excused by the manager, the team is suffering. They walk on eggshells around Taylor. They bond over their struggles with her. They don’t understand why Taylor is seen as the top performer, when she behaves so poorly. They start to ask themselves questions like: Is this what the company wants from its employees? Should I behave that way to get ahead? Am I in the right place?

Leaders love people who get the work done. People they can count on. People they don’t have to chase. People they can trust to do the job they were hired to do.

But at what cost?

It’s not uncommon for leaders to protect their top performers, to just accept the behavior for what it is and keep moving. The work is getting done. The targets are being hit. Behavior feels subjective. And who wants to have a hard conversation with someone about their attitude?

So it gets put on the back burner. The leader tells themself they’ll address it later.

But while they’re looking the other way, their team is suffering.

Performance is what work gets done. Behavior is how the work gets done.

Both are required. Both are coachable. And both are a leader’s job.

Accepting one and ignoring the other isn’t leadership, it’s avoidance. Your employees should be expected to perform their role and maintain acceptable behavior. When either one slips, it’s the leader’s job to step in and understand what’s happening.

If something is going on personally, maybe time off or an EAP referral is the right move. If something is happening at work, it’s on the leader to address it. And if the behavior is simply who Taylor is and it’s not changing, then it may be time to part ways. Just because Taylor is great at what she does doesn’t mean you can’t find someone else who is great at the job and also treats people well. Sometimes the behavior is a signal that the role just isn’t the right fit anymore.

This isn’t just an HR problem. This is a leadership problem.

When you tolerate bad behavior, you are endorsing it. Your team sees it. People outside the team see it. And it slowly and quietly erodes the culture, until the damage is already done.

Culture isn’t what you say. It’s what you tolerate.

So what do you do?

As with any intentional conversation — first determine the desired outcome and work backwards. What do you want to achieve from the conversation? If this is a new behavior, start by seeking to understand. Pull Taylor in and ask how things are going. “I’ve noticed you’ve been short with your colleagues lately — what’s going on?”

That one question opens the door. It tells Taylor the behavior has been recognized. But it also tells her you care — that you’re not coming at her with a don’t do this again, you’re coming from a place of how do we fix this together.

You’re providing support. You’re leading.

The standard you set is the culture you get.

If you aren’t addressing these things when they happen, you’re showing your team that it doesn’t matter to you. Protecting your culture should be one of the most important things you do as a leader, it’s how things get done on your team and in your organization.

If you don’t protect it, you keep a revolving door of employees coming and going as they seek someone else who will protect the culture they value.

And the people walking out of it? They’re the ones you can’t afford to lose.